Today the Pewster is taking the day off and I was promoted to O.O.D. I was told the Pewster was busy solving the global financial meltdown, and was asked to complete the ship's blog.
This Sunday the faithful crew of ECOOS was mustered into their newly renovated sanctuary. All the wood and brass was glistening, reminiscent of a fine sailing vessel. Today served as a shakedown cruise for the sanctuary. Next week Bishop Duvall will take her out on the maiden voyage. The waters seemed calm today, and when Fr. Charlie Foss delivered the sermon, I am afraid that I drifted off and missed whatever point was being made. Knowing that the Pewster would be upset, I set about to interview some of the crew in the galley following the service. Here are some of the results.
Wallace Hartley: "What was the sermon about?"
Wallace Hartley: "Is capitalism good or bad?"
Purser: "Both, I think."
Moving on, I looked for an opinion regarding any operational changes.
Wallace Hartley: "Did you notice any problems with today's service?"
Boatswain: "We seem to have an ancient memory that we are supposed to kneel after the Sanctus. You know, it has been so long since we have been able to kneel. The Officers crossed us up by using Eucharistic Prayer C. There is no written order to sit, stand, kneel or anything after the Sanctus. The crew was obviously confused. I hope the mass kneeling is not taken as a sign of mutiny."
Next, I ran into the cook.
Wallace Hartley: "Why are there no cheese doodles?"
Cook: "We heard that the Pewster would do that 'Liar Liar Pants on Fire' dance if cheese doodles were around because of a dare someone posted. The crew voted unanimously to hide the doodles."
Lastly, I encountered the Yeoman.
Wallace Hartley: "What are you writing?"
Yeoman: "This is a list of things that need repairs before the Bishop arrives."
Wallace Hartley: "Anything serious?"
Yeoman: "The air conditioners need to be fixed before next summer."
Wallace Hartley: "Anything else? I mean, things that might scuttle her. My friend the Pewster has been keeping a list, and I need to know if he left anything out."
Yeoman: "Yeah, can we maroon the Pewster on the next deserted island?"
Sensing that I might soon be in the scuppers myself, I headed for the gangway, but before I could make my escape, I was stopped by a mysterious, shadowy figure.
Wallace Hartley: "Who are you, and what are you doing here?"
Mysterious Shadowy Figure: "You can call me 'Deep Pew,' and I have the scuttlebutt on where this boat is headed."
Wallace Hartley: "But I don't want to know; get away from me Jonah!"
Deep Pew: "I heard the rector say that we are firmly anchored with both feet on the Rock. Beware, the Admirals are calling for the ship to be moved to the shifting sands. The ship will get grounded and then be at the mercy of the winds and waves of secular culture."
Wallace Hartley: "Reasserter."
Deep Pew: "Post your spyglass on the horizon Master Wallace."
With that, Deep Pew vanished, leaving me thinking that every church needs its officers, cooks, yeomen, boatswains, lookouts, its Jonahs, and even its mutineers grumbling in the brig. Maybe it's those Admirals in the funny hats that we need to watch out for.