Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Pass the Peace


Remembering that we are in the midst of the cold, flu, and now a bad stomach bug season, we should all follow the advice of this legendary grande dame of the CoE (Church of England):



I tried to glean the lyrics by listening to the video, so there may be some errors in the translation. This is for those of you who rely on the printed version of this blog.

Mrs. Beamish stands in church expression calm and holy,
but when the organ plays, she mumbles hymns extremely slowly.
A pillar of St. Barthols, for twenty years or more,
She does the flowers at Easter and the brass work on the door.
But recently St. Barthol's has gained a brand new vicar,
His name is Kerley Single and he wants the hymns sung quicker,
And he's introduced a custom, which Mrs. Beamish hates,
So she rounds upon the person next to her and clearly states,

"Don't you dare shake hands with me, or offer signs of peace,
You lay a finger on me and I'll call for the police.
Don't whisper 'Peace be with You,' this is the C of E,
so bend the knee, say thou and thee,
and keep your hands off me."

Ken tells us love your neighbor, and Mrs. Beamish sneers,
"I only love my neighbors if I've known them thirty years."
Even when it isn't Christmas, and he lets youngsters in the church,
He's altered all the music after audience research.
They shout out "alleluia," they don't act like me and you,
The young women don't wear hats and the young men quite often do.
They seem to like their hands enthusiastically wrung,
'til they turn to Mrs. Beamish and they feel her acid tongue,

"Don't you dare shake hands with me, I don't know where you've been,
You lay a finger on me and you'll feel this tambourine.
Don't whisper 'Peace be with You,' this is the C of E,
so bend the knee, say thou and thee,
and keep your hands off me."

In the beginning was the word read out loud by Flora Hurd,
Harry Seacum then would scream,"the morning is broken by a stream,
Now the organ's gone for scrap, every vicar's got the clap

Alleluia, Mrs. Beamish, Mrs. Beamish,
Alleluia, she's squeamish, so squeamish.

"Don't you dare shake hands with me, Or turn to me and smile,
You'll wake up spitting teeth out, face downwards in the aisle.
Don't whisper 'Peace be with You,' this is the C of E,
You'll go just one inch too far,
You'll end up wearing that guitar,
One false step in my direction,
You'll need to believe in the resurrection,
so bend the knee, say thou and thee,
and keep your hands off me."

15 comments:

  1. Yet another reason that every parish should have a "No Peace Passing Zone."

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  2. Now Wallace, I really think it should be

    "every vicar's got to clap."

    Naughty boy, thought you could pull a fast one on me, huh?

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    Replies
    1. Karen6:12 PM

      I have used this sketchand we changed that line to "And the Vicar's learned to Rap"

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  3. Anonymous9:31 AM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  4. The previous comment was posted by anon and has been moved to "An Unclean Spirit."

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  5. Anonymous2:04 PM

    I love the song. There's a couple of lyrics that seem a bit suspect

    "His name is Kerley Single and he wants the hymns sung quicker" is actually "His name is Ken, he's single and he wants the hymns sung quicker"

    "Flora Hurd" is "Thora Hird"
    "Harry Secum" is "Harry Secombe"

    Hope you don't mind

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    Replies
    1. That and the church is St. Botolph's.

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  6. Actually the lyric actually is "Every vicars got THE clap!"

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  7. Wallace, you have been vindicated!

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  8. Thank you Alexandra. Of course, if you knew vicars like I know vicars...

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  9. I think it is St Botolph's.

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  10. Anonymous5:57 PM

    The "kiss of peace"? I call that part of the service the "kissed to pieces."

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  11. Anonymous3:25 PM

    St. Botolph's, I believe.

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  12. I hope Karen's "And the Vicar's learned to Rap" is clearly enunciated.

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