Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Episcopal Olympics

NBC paid $2.201 billion for the rights to broadcast the 2010 winter and 2012 summer Olympic Games, but reviewers are already talking about a drop of 13% in the viewer ratings for this winter's games. In the following blog post, I will present some additional games for NBC to broadcast in its last ditch efforts to boost their ratings. I call these the "Episcopal Olympics." The addition of these events just might increase viewership about 1000, which is about the average number of visits to this blog each week.

1. Alpine skiing:
Of several events, the one that Episcopalians really excel in is the Downhill. Witness the decline in church attendance over the past several decades. In addition to the Downhill, there is the popular Giant Slalom event where monstrous issues are dodged and avoided during the downhill run. Another event is the Slalom, also known as the "downhill spiral of death" where falling numbers result in a spectacle of ineffectual flailing of arms and the jettisoning of small clinging congregations during the plunge to the finish line.

2. Biathlon:
This includes a relay, a sprint, a pursuit, a mass start, and an individual event. Ordinarily, such events have been segregated into "Mens" and "Womens" divisions, but due to the recognition of gender identities, this year's games have dedicated the entire event to bisexuals. Fans are eagerly anticipating the "pursuit" event. Due to overwhelming demand for tickets there has been a change of venue and this event will be held at one of Whistler's local establishments.
3. Bobsled:
Teams of two or four persons clutch themselves or each other and cram their souls into hard shells of apostasy before pushing off to race down the slippery slope of doom. One person guides the bobsled while the other member(s) of the team close their eyes, bow their heads, and pray.
4. Cross-country skiing:
The Presiding bishop will attempt to cross her entire realm while putting out fires that threaten her icy reign. This eight year endurance race is one that most will only enjoy by watching the finish.

5. Curling:
Large, threatening stones are slid at a certain southern Bishop who tries to sweep them aside before he is knocked off the bull's eye.

6. Figure skating:
Money that is sent to the national church is artfully danced around a budget spreadsheet and after many exciting spins and jumps winds up in the pockets of D.C. lobbyists to espouse for various liberal causes.

7. Freestyle skiing:
Unbounded by scripture and tradition, watch liberal rectors jump through amazing hoops to out spin each other's revisionist sermons.

8. Ice hockey:
Where opposing teams swat General Convention resolutions across a table towards a goal. Called off this year because the only other team, the conservative team, decided to not compete and left an empty net into which the reigning champs could shoot their hockey puck resolutions.
9. Luge:
In this race, contenders from various dioceses vie to see who is the fastest downhill. Top contenders are the Diocese of Newark, and the down and going Diocese of Upper Michigan.
10. Nordic combined:
This event has been conceded to the Church of Sweden which has already concluded that two same sex Nordics can be combined.

11. Speed skating:
Also known as running with sharp knives, contestants slice through scripture and try to to avoid getting tripped up by annoying verses.

12. Skeleton:
Rump dioceses compete to see which will take the prize as the fastest to petition the courts for empty church buildings.

13. Ski jumping:
Why ski over all that snow or slide down all that ice when you can jump over the whole thing? Episcopal bishops fly to see who will be the first to perform same sex weddings, jumping over the entire Anglican Communion and the Archbishop of Canterbury, only to find that +Gene Robinson is already perched on the winner's podium.

14. Snowboarding:
Heretical sermons disguised in Episcobabble are preached to innocent prisoners held captive in a church pew. Possible topics for these "snow jobs" might include, "Diversity," "Holy Love," "Justice," and "Identity." Due to its excessively cruel nature, this sport has been banned by the Geneva Convention.

On second thought, NBC probably would do better to show reruns of Gilligan's Island than to broadcast the Episcopal Olympics.


  1. Anonymous9:33 AM

    It is obvious that you are a very unhappy and bitter man. There is no Christian spirit in this blog entry! Congratulations - you managed to totally offend me!

  2. Anon,

    I usually delete your comments, but I had to post that one.

    Where is your sense of humor?

  3. Anonymous12:02 PM

    There is nothing funny about your blog today!

  4. Marney8:14 PM

    An unhappy and bitter man could never write anything this funny. Made my day.

  5. This is hilarious. Very creative and absolutely spot on. Too bad Anon was weaned on prunes.

  6. Why is it that the "Christian Spirit" is best expressed a)in anonymity and b)only by ignoring many basic tenets of Christianity?

    BTW, very creative and amusing post.