Spock Comes To Coffee Hour

In honor of Earth Day 2012, I thought about how our religion might appear to someone visiting Earth for the first time. The following dialog might have been used to create a cartoon scenario if I weren't too cheap to pay for the upgrade to my cartoon maker account.

Parts of this conversation were inspired by some of the comments I overheard at Bishop Waldo's "Preparation for the General Convention" held yesterday.


Jean: Hello. Welcome to coffee hour. My name is Jean.

Mr. Spock: Spock here.

Jean: Are you new?

Spock: I am actually quite old.

Jean: I meant, is this your first visit to our Episcopal church?

Spock: This is my first visit to your world.

Jean: Well, I hope you enjoyed the service.

Spock: Joy is an emotion that interferes with logical thought. I am here to study your religion.

Jean: So, you want to know more about our church?

Spock: That is correct.

Jean: Well... for one thing, we are an inclusive church.

Spock: Explain the term "inclusive church".

Jean: It means that everyone is welcome regardless of race, sexual orientation, or gender identity.

Spock: Looking around the room, it would appear that not all races have accepted your welcome.

Jean: Oh, well people do tend to stick to their own kind, but they are welcome to come to our church anyway. We try to engage diversity.

Spock: I could not determine the diversity of all those discriminatory characteristics to which you alluded. Please explain the term "gender identity."

Jean: Well.. . Er... um... you know... male or female, transgender, or some other combination that you have decided is your gender.

Spock: On Vulcan, gender is determined by the combination of phenotype and genotype. Tell me about this other thing you call sexual orientation.

Jean: I think that refers to the object of one's sexual attraction. We are either heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual.

Spock: On Vulcan, males mate with females, and females mate with males. Anything else is illogical.

Jean: The Episcopal church is more welcoming than your logic.

Spock: We shall see about that.

Jean: We believe that Hooker's three legged stool of scripture,  tradition, and reason leads us to welcome and to bless any committed, loving, monogamous relationship.

Spock: I have studied your scriptures, your traditions, and your reasoning, and I have concluded that you do not have a single leg to stand on.

Jean: You are from a different planet aren't you?

Spock: How did you arrive at that conclusion?

Jean: I think it was the ears.

Spock: Does your church not welcome those of us with Vulcan ears?

Jean: No, that is not it. We just don't welcome close minded people with Vulcan ears who do not agree with us.

Spock: Thank you for all of the data that I needed to complete my study of your church.

Jean: You're welcome. Would you like some coffee?

Spock: If I had feelings, I would say that I do not feel all that welcome, but I do feel like a cup of coffee.

Jean: I really would like to know more about how you felt about today's gathering.

Spock: (With a sigh) Humans...