The Disconnected Clergy

Cruising home the other night from a downtown soiree, I decided to sail past the church. Slowing down in front of Lumpkin Hall, I was startled to see a shadowy figure obscure the light coming from the garth. I anchored, heart pounding, thinking there might be criminal activity. Thinking that this might be a trick of the light, I got out of my land yacht. Armed only with my wireless, and having 911 on speed dial, I crept forward. That is when I heard my name whispered in a dreadful aged tone, "Waaaalllllaccce." I knew at once this must be the elusive Deep Pew. Averting my gaze, I whispered back, "What are you doing here?" Pew made an unintelligible sound and I felt a grizzled hand thrusting papers into my hand. "Look...for...the...disconnect...Go...Now," Pew croaked.

I quickly backed away. Placing myself and the documents into my vessel, a plotted a course for the nearest well lit safe harbor, the parking lot at Bojangles. Glancing over the papers I had been given, I was amazed to find that I had come into possession of the long awaited results of the survey of the members and clergy of the Episcopal Diocese of Upper South Carolina. What did Deep Pew mean by "disconnect?" I am hardly qualified to do a statistical analysis, but as I looked at the survey responses, I wondered if there might be a disconnect between the clergy responses and the responses of the Laity on certain touchy issues. This frightening thought troubled me as I sailed home. Is there a problem here? How can we solve a problem like this? Maybe the clergy will be asking the same question. I could almost hear them singing,

How Do You Solve a Problem Like the Laity?

They arrive at church and bend their knees
Their joints show years of wear
They stagger on their way to Mass
And sometimes miss the stair
Underneath their simple look and blank stare
I even hear them thinking in the nave.

They’re always late for the procession,
And their countenance is dour
They’re always late for meetings
Except for coffee hour.
I hate to have to say it,
But I don't know what to do,
They didn't teach us this in seminary.

I'd like to say a word in their behalf
The Laity makes me laugh.

How do you solve a problem like the Laity?
How do you quiet them and lull them to sleep?
How do you find a word that means the Laity?
The fussbudgets! The congo! The Sheep!

Many a thing we know we'd like to tell them
Many a thing to get them more confused
But how do we make them stay,
And listen to our liberal ways
How do we keep them silent in the pews?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like the Laity?
How do you hold the God fearing in your hand?

When we’re with them we’re confused
Out of focus and bemused,
And we never know exactly where we stand
Adding fire to the fuel
They’re as stubborn as a mule.
They’re darling! They’re conservative! They are lambs!


They’ll outpester any pest,
Focus on the Word and ignore the rest.
They could throw an apostate priest a country mile.
They’re gentle! They are wild!
They’re a riddle! They are mild!
They’re a headache! They are angels!
They’re a trial!

How do you solve a problem like the Laity?
How do you calmly lull them all to sleep?
How do you find a word that means the Laity?
The fussbudgets! The congo! The Sheep!

Many a thing we know we'd like to tell them
Many a thing to get them more confused,
But how do we make them stay
And listen to our liberal ways
How do we keep them silent in the pews?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like the Laity?
How do you hold the God fearing in your hand?

H/t Rodgers and Hammerstein